Reese's Story, A testimonial

 

This is the beautiful little face that I get to give kisses to every day!

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."   **my Gammy would always say this to me whenever I was having a hard time or came to her for advice. It was the perfect message then, and it is the perfect message now.**



There's just been something that I've really been wanting to write about and I couldn't think of a better place to write about it, than here.

Being completely honest I'm going to say that I wasn't exactly ecstatic upon finding out that I was pregnant. My 4 year old son (who at the time was 3) has autism and I also have a 2 year old daughter (who at the time was 1) My hands were full and I was scared about how in the world I would ever manage having 3 children.

It wasn't an easy pregnancy either. I had just recently gotten down to the bottom of some depression issues I have been dealing with for quite some time and in the process was also diagnosed with ADHD and was taking medications that I couldn't continue taking during the pregnancy.

I made the decision to stop taking any medications all together unless it was absolutely necessary. I wanted what was best for my baby and the only thing I could keep thinking about was those law commercials that state "if you have been on *blank depression medication* during your pregnancy and your baby has cleft palate, birth abnormalities, THE LIST GOES ON.. then you might be entitled to compensation" Every other week its a different drug I'm hearing about! so what was safe yesterday, isn't safe today.. And who's to say that the medication my doctors are telling me is "safe" to take while pregnant, isn't going to be on a law commercial a few months or years from now? How do you think they found out about the negative effects that these medications have on unborn children? I wasn't going to take that chance with my baby.

So now, not only am I pregnant (which can make the nicest woman turn into an ogre at times!) but I'm off my meds. lol Now THAT is scary! It was difficult at times, but it wasn't unmanageable.. Ask my husband that same question though, I'm not sure he would have the same opinion! lol All kidding aside, In the long run I think I made the right decision and my husband stood by me in that decision. Even though we both knew it wouldn't be easy, and it wasn't, but it wasn't all bad either. ;-)

I was scared. My life was being turned upside down. I was sad. I wanted to be happy about being pregnant. After the initial shock (which lasted pretty much the entire 1st trimester) I accepted the fact that we were soon going to have another baby.. and I began to plan out in my mind how I was going to do this.. I would SUCCEED! haha.

**authors note**
I just want to pause for a moment because I'm really putting it all out there. This is personal and I do feel rather uncomfortable talking about this part of my story.. It's not really what you would expect to hear. When someone finds out they're pregnant you think of happiness and excitement and anticipation.. But this is real life.. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has gone through these types of emotions upon finding out they are pregnant but it's really not spoken about because there is a guilt there. You SHOULD be happy, and you SHOULD be excited... right? Well I honestly believe that it's OKAY not to feel these things.. Your not a bad mother because of it.. And I'm not a bad mother just because I'm coming out and talking about it.. It's the truth. And there really is a good morale to this story, which is why I feel so compelled to share it.

-On with my story-

I'm going to skip ahead here to July. My daughter's Expected Due Date was August 7, 2011. So here I am 37 weeks pregnant (still scared but also excited now!) and I start to feel itchy. First it was the bottoms of my feet, then the palms of my hands.. and before I knew it, EVERYWHERE. I had a feeling that something wasn't right here.. I mean, I know it's normal for pregnant woman to get itchy because of stretch marks and the extra blood we have because we're growing a baby... but this wasn't like that. I googled "37 weeks pregnant and itchy all over" and discovered something called Cholestasis of pregnancy.. I thought to myself that there's no way I have that, reassured myself that I would feel better in the morning, and went to bed.

When I woke up it was 5:30-6ish AM and I was still itchy! So I woke up my husband who was supposed to go to work that morning and told him that I needed to go to the doctor. I called the advice nurse and got an appt. that day. They drew blood and talked to me about my symptoms, monitored my baby for about an hour, and after being told to "go eat lunch while you can and the doctor will talk to you when you get back" I guessed that the news couldn't have been in my favor.. So the kids, hubby and I went to burger king to eat and I got back to the Dr. DID SOME MORE WAITING. only to be called into the doctors office to be told that I do, in fact have cholestasis.



The whole time I had been pregnant I was slapping myself (metaphorically) telling myself how stupid we were for letting ourselves get pregnant again when we already had so much on our plates! we should have been more careful and so on and so forth. But now here I am being told that my baby could die. This little person who wasn't even here yet had already managed to bring me full circle on the emotional roller coaster. I thought to myself that my daughter MUST be a blessing from God, because the devil has done nothing but try and bring me down from the moment I realized that I was pregnant... and now, THIS?!

The doctor actually wanted me to go directly from his office to labor & delivery to be induced. There was no way that was even possible, so we scheduled it for the very next morning, July 19, 2011. My husband was out in the car with the kids, so as I walked out of the doctors office I couldn't think of anything except for getting to our truck as fast as possible so I could cry in private and tell him what was going on.

That night was hectic trying to get everything ready for the next day, and for when I would be bringing Reese home from the hospital. Also, our family was trying to figure out a way for somebody to come down and help us but it was next to impossible with the induction date having to be so sudden and soon. It was definitely an emotional night for me and I was just worried about making sure my precious baby girl was going to be okay.

So that morning my amazing husband who was the most supportive and awesome man during this whole situation, took me to labor & delivery. The kids weren't very well behaved at the hospital so I never did get to see my husband much during my stay, but thanks to an awesome, fellow army wife, Ashley, Steven (my husband) was able to be in the delivery room with me when it was finally time to have our precious baby girl. Ashley (who was introduced to me and was able to help me out thanks to my amazing friend, Amber who contacted her for me and told her what was going on) was so awesome for watching the kids in the waiting room for us so Steven could be in the l&d room with me! Thank you 1 million times over.. It meant so much to me that my husband was there and you made that possible :-)

I got to labor and delivery at around 7am that morning and Reese Evren Bittle was born at 7:04 that night. I realized that everything that happened from the time I found out I was pregnant to the time that beautiful little girl of mine was placed on my stomach had happened for a reason.(even the epidural wearing off right before it was time for me to push!)  I was overcome with the realization that this was my baby! I loved her so much already.. All of the doubt, the fear, denial.. it was all taken away. This heaviness had been lifted away from me and all that was left was this immense love for my daughter, Reese. She really is my little gift from God.

My little girl has taught me so much about myself and about being a mother. Everything I experienced during my pregnancy and during labor, the relationship and bond that my daughter and I have because I chose to breast feed her.. It was all a part of Gods plan. I feel that I am now a better person and A better mother because of  our little blessing, Reese.

When the house is in chaos because Matt is stimming and Ana is throwing a fit because she insists on having a particular sippy cup to drink her juice out of, you would think that I would lose it at the thought of adding a crying baby to the mix. But the truth is, When I hear her fussing, I breathe a sigh of relief. She calms me, She helps me to find my center and realize that life goes by fast. I realize that Matthew will not be 4 forever and that Analise will not be 2 for much longer. Even though they sometimes drive me crazy, I love every single moment I get to spend with them because someday I'm going to look back, and I'm going to miss their crazy antics.

Amazing how our little Reese has enabled me to realize all of these things. I take comfort in her. She truly is A blessing from God given to my husband and I to help us. Not to give us more stress and pain like the devil may have wanted us to believe.. Because he KNEW that she would bring peace and joy to our family. She is our Angel. And I praise God everyday that he put her in our lives.